[tuesday afternoon thoughts.]
the combination of heat, humidity, and the air’s absolutely stillness have made it painfully difficult to concentrate. my brain is buzzing with summer and is wildly distracted.
I haven’t had a meaningful in-person conversation with anyone my age since mid-may. the closest I’ve come is a few skype conversations, but that just reminds me of an experiment that demonstrated that young children learn language better when their teacher is in the room than when they watch the exact same lesson on a tv or computer screen. human contact.
I love it here, and there are moments when I wish I could stay forever. the smell of grass mixed with rain, the sound of birds in the morning, the colorful sunsets.
oh but I’m so excited to move back to the city.
I love running through the woods.
but I can’t wait to run through the city streets.
I haven’t worn make up or straightened my hair or worried that there’s something wrong with my clothes since mid-may. it’s really such an interesting and unique experience. I wonder if, when I arrive back in the real world, I’ll worry about those things again.
instead of worrying, I hope I simply accept that it’s a different look. there’s something gorgeous about darkened eyes and reddened lips, but there’s something fresh about freckles and curls. I want to remember that.
it’s so much fun to dress up on occasion, but I’ve been resisting. I would die to put on some eye-liner and pull my straightened hair into some style other than a messy, curly ponytail, but I feel a lot like doing that here would be selling out. isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard?
I miss dating and falling in love and the chase like crazy. I tend to fall in love all the time with just about everyone. it can sometimes be overwhelming and exhausting, but it’s also incredible and thrilling and perfect. and of course it almost never works out (otherwise I’d no longer be chasing, right?), but oh my it’s just so much fun.
just before moving here, I spent the last moment I’ll ever spend with a boy with whom I’d been entangled at various points throughout the past three years. the timing was never right until those last hours, and then suddenly it was perfect and fleeting and exactly the way I’d like us to remember one another. we were uncomplicated, honest, sincere. and we held onto each second, acknowledging that we were at the end. we looked back over our shoulders as we moved away from one another and into that 4am darkness.
I love last moments so much. I love meeting and being and walking away. I cherish those experiences. I wish for last moments. I collect them. there may be nothing more perfect than a connection that grows swiftly and ends abruptly and everything we’re left with is authentic and simple and we’re happy. I want us to be happy.
a few weeks before moving here, I spent another last moment with another boy with whom I’d been entangled. for years we hid behind we have lots of time, but with a few months until never again we gave everything we had to the other. we never asked questions or considered the future, because there was no future. we didn’t know it when we finally arrived at our last moment. it passed unacknowledged. we didn’t savor or cling, we were simply present and entirely exposed. we stayed awake until nearly dawn, we danced and laughed and existed together until we were exhausted. the following morning we stayed in bed until we’d broken enough promises to others and ourselves to demonstrate the something between us. we made plans that were later postponed and finally extinguished, because it wasn’t until we walked away that I decided this would be our last moment. it was too perfect to not be.
I’m moving again in exactly ten days.
so. many. bugs. so many that I can’t possibly let them bother me, because if I did, I’d spend all day and night panicking about bugs.
hills. ohmygod hills.
ohmygod just so many creepy men.