every word she says is nonsense

Dear friend,

This morning it really hit me that you’re gone. This morning I woke up and reached for my phone — I couldn’t wait to tell you about my night, about the conversation and the dancing and the boy whose breath currently brushed my neck. As I leaned onto my elbow, pushed my hair away from my face, and scanned the room for my phone, I felt the knot my stomach. It was at this moment, this exact second, that, for the first time, I truly understood what it meant for you to be gone. This is it — the tightening in my throat, the sinking of my shoulders, the emptiness in my lungs — this is the day I let you go.

This is the day it all becomes real. It’s funny how it hits you like this, so suddenly. I’ve *known* for as long as it’s been true that you were gone. That knowledge has existed within my brain. I think, though, I’ve made a new life, a different life, a life that isn’t a reminder of your absence, so I could avoid coming to terms with the truth.

I changed my routine so that I wouldn’t pass by your door. I stopped drinking so I wouldn’t miss your company over ice and whiskey. I stopped reading about restaurants so I wouldn’t be reminded that we’ll no longer share a meal. I stay in more, I speak to fewer people, I read more books, I take longer runs, I rearranged my apartment.

I made new friends and planned new activities — I’ve been doing things we’d never have done together — things you’d never have enjoyed anyway. I listen to music you’ve never heard of, music you probably wouldn’t like. Now, I don’t feel like I need to call you to tell you about a song you should download, I don’t suggest that we meet in an hour for bloody marys and brunch on warm saturday mornings, I don’t call you to tell you about my days. because there are no songs, and there is no brunch, and there are no afternoons spent catching up over coffee. And you wouldn’t be at the other end of that phone call anyway.

Dear friend, today is the day I say goodbye and truly understand what that means. Dear friend, goodbye.